What If It Had Been Me?

Last night, I had a thought and the entire concept was fairly grim.  For someone married to a strong cancer survivor, I am sure this is a common thought, "What if it had been me?"  "What if I had cancer?"  First off, my wife has been a battle-ax against cancer.  Sure, there are people who have had cancer and somehow move on like nothing happened and I am sure there are many, many more who just shut down, give up on some level, or just "ride it out".  My wife has been a had her good days and bad days, but is a soldier through most of it.  Honestly, she made a lot of this as easy on me and her family as she could.  She took all that cancer could dish out and can still smile and laugh and I am not sure I could have done the same.  I would have been (and still am) a complete wimp when it comes to needles.  Just the thought of a sliver of metal being jabbed into me seems so archaic that it gives me shivers to even think about.  The idea of surgery is even more off-putting.  I would have been a scared baby going into the office to even talk about treatment...she just followed the doctors lead.  Going into surgery, she was calm and laughing...if not for that, I would have surely died of a heart attack that day...and if it were me heading into surgery, SHE surely would have been driven to cardiac arrest by my fear and cowardice.  After surgery, she didn't really complain and continued to make thing pretty easy on me.  I am sure she could tell I was rattled.  If it had been me in that bed after a brain surgery, I am not sure what she would have found...but it would not have put her at ease, for sure.  Even through radiation, chemo, and all the wonderful side effects that come with those treatments, she handled it pretty damn well.  Don't get me wrong, cancer, especially brain cancer, has not been easy on her or our family...the good days could be better, the bad days are pretty bad...but, we get by.  Sure, it would probably be cool to be married to one of those cancer survivors that moves on like nothing happened or uses it as some kind of super-motivator...I much prefer still being married to the woman I love.

Thinking of Starting a New Blog!

So, I have been considering starting a blog for me and my son and our adventures.

"Me & Michael" was what I was thinking of calling it...a place we can post crazy pictures and stories together...featuring points of view from the little man, himself.

Rough Night

Melissa has a rough night last night.  It has been a while since she had run out of the nausea medications that works, and honestly, I had no idea she was still needing them.  A few days ago, she ran out of a certain medication that comes in a tablet that dissolves, rather then a pill you have to swallow and digest.  When she called her doctor, the nurse said, "If you want a refill, you need an appointment."  She continued to belittle the patient but eventually offered to call the prescription in "this time."  Then, she calls in the wrong damn prescription...which my insurance fills only part of, and now, my insurance will likely not cover the correct medication and, of course, there is no returning medication.  After all, the doctor said "I will not need to see you for 6 months" just over 4 months ago.  Shouldn't her medications have enough refills to cover that time?  Frankly, because of some doctor's inability to properly keep up with medications he has prescribed and the obvious money-grubbing practices they depend on to get rich as quickly as possible, my wife, and many other patients, suffer.  You can tell, I am a little worked up...I do not like my woman felling any sicker then necessary.

Hopefully, we can get this straight today before her 2 week trip to see family.  If not, it could be a rough trip for her.

The Storm Before The Storm

When dealing with any major illness, the fear of the worst never dulls in the minds of your closest loved ones.  I know with dealing with my wife's battle with Brain Cancer, I can not help but to worry.  Every ache, pain or bad day keeps me on the edge of my seat.  Frankly, what we have survived already is unbelievable.  If you knew all of the details, though, you would honestly have no idea how we managed, though...and neither do I.  As the "storm clouds" begin to clear from this ordeal, believe me the aftermath is one that we will deal with for as long as we both live.  Life after cancer is never, ever the same.  It is the only thing certain most find in fighting the illness.  Expectations and goals all must be redefined.  Hopes you had also must be redefined.  All of this takes time.  For me, every second of this needed time has been difficult.

My wife would tell you, I can be a bit of a "worry wort".  It was something playful and easy to pick at before cancer, after the diagnosis, though, it is something that tends to drive my wife bonkers.  No matter how softly I deliver my concerns, it rubs her the wrong way.  It has made trying to get our life back in order a nightmare.  I think for me, it was easier when things were moving so fast that I couldn't keep up.  At that time, people around me gave me break and I felt support from all around...but now, it is just us again and things are not what they should be.  I get little-to-no brakes anymore and since I am the only one who seems to worry in my house, I have to do so quietly while trying to also keep up with everything it takes for a household to survive.  It never stops.  It has not gotten any easier.  It has been the biggest challenge of my life.

I mention this on the blog for a few reasons.  For one, when I look back at all these posts, years from now, I want to remember and understand how we got where-ever it is we end up.  Another reason is because, when friends do not see me going out, playing music, or even returning a phone call, hopefully they will know that it is only because I am distracted by all my "must do's" and neglecting all of my "want-to-do's"...I am still quite overwhelmed, at times.  Last, but probably most important, when someone out there hits the internet to Google "Brain Cancer" for the first time, I want them to find my blog and know what we have gone through and that they are not alone.  Trust me, the blogs I found early on helped me more than any doctor ever did.

Update 6/18/2014

Sorry that it has been a while since my last update.  Work has been crazy.

Melissa has been about the same....still struggling with some issues, but cancer free and hanging in there.  Lots of headaches lately.

School is finally out for the Summer.  Most parents cringe at the thought of the kids home for 3 months...I'm just glad my son does not have to be exposed to Petersburg City Public Schools anymore.  The conditions at the school have prompted us to start planning to move...something we can not afford, but must do anyway.

I can not believe my father turns 60 tomorrow.  (Happy Birthday, pops)  60...60...
He is in good shape for his age, but just hearing the age 60 is scary.

#Truth About Brain Cancer

Fun With Family!

This past weekend, we were invited by my aunt to the beach.  It was really nice to see family.  My uncle has been battling cancer for a while...pick-lines and drain tubes and all, he soldiered his way to the beach to be with us.  He alerted me of all the anniversaries this year for our family...my dad's 60th birthday, my parents 40th wedding anniversary, 50 year anniversary of the passing of my father's mother, just to name a few...there was plenty of reasons to celebrate, including my uncle still being with us...and Melissa, too, for that matter.

...and everyone loves the beach.

The accommodation were fantastic!
 (https://www.facebook.com/notes/navy-ffr/discover-dam-necks-cottages-on-the-coast/162869289301)

We visited two of the best restaurants I have been to...

Blue Pete's (https://www.facebook.com/BluePetes)
In the heart of Pungo, VA...off the beaten path but not far from the waterfront, Blue Pete's has the look and feel of a "locals" spot with the food and service of a first class restaurant.  Whether you want a fine, quiet meal or a dozen beers with the boys, they have you covered.  The outdoor area has horseshoes, cornhole, tables, and lots of room to party.

Chick's (http://www.chicksoysterbar.com/)
If you have never been to the Chick's Beach area near Virginia Beach, you should be planning a drive right now.  It is so pretty...boating paradise.  Nestled in a marina, just off the main road, on the back-bay, is Chick's Oyster Bar!  You know a place is good when the parking lot is over-run with cars.  The views from the outdoor dining deck are fantabulous.  Lobster Mac...wicked good.

I was too busy to take many pictures...but to make up for it, here is a picture of what I look like driving the slowest go-cart of all time.