What If It Had Been Me?

Last night, I had a thought and the entire concept was fairly grim.  For someone married to a strong cancer survivor, I am sure this is a common thought, "What if it had been me?"  "What if I had cancer?"  First off, my wife has been a battle-ax against cancer.  Sure, there are people who have had cancer and somehow move on like nothing happened and I am sure there are many, many more who just shut down, give up on some level, or just "ride it out".  My wife has been a had her good days and bad days, but is a soldier through most of it.  Honestly, she made a lot of this as easy on me and her family as she could.  She took all that cancer could dish out and can still smile and laugh and I am not sure I could have done the same.  I would have been (and still am) a complete wimp when it comes to needles.  Just the thought of a sliver of metal being jabbed into me seems so archaic that it gives me shivers to even think about.  The idea of surgery is even more off-putting.  I would have been a scared baby going into the office to even talk about treatment...she just followed the doctors lead.  Going into surgery, she was calm and laughing...if not for that, I would have surely died of a heart attack that day...and if it were me heading into surgery, SHE surely would have been driven to cardiac arrest by my fear and cowardice.  After surgery, she didn't really complain and continued to make thing pretty easy on me.  I am sure she could tell I was rattled.  If it had been me in that bed after a brain surgery, I am not sure what she would have found...but it would not have put her at ease, for sure.  Even through radiation, chemo, and all the wonderful side effects that come with those treatments, she handled it pretty damn well.  Don't get me wrong, cancer, especially brain cancer, has not been easy on her or our family...the good days could be better, the bad days are pretty bad...but, we get by.  Sure, it would probably be cool to be married to one of those cancer survivors that moves on like nothing happened or uses it as some kind of super-motivator...I much prefer still being married to the woman I love.