The Storm Before The Storm

When dealing with any major illness, the fear of the worst never dulls in the minds of your closest loved ones.  I know with dealing with my wife's battle with Brain Cancer, I can not help but to worry.  Every ache, pain or bad day keeps me on the edge of my seat.  Frankly, what we have survived already is unbelievable.  If you knew all of the details, though, you would honestly have no idea how we managed, though...and neither do I.  As the "storm clouds" begin to clear from this ordeal, believe me the aftermath is one that we will deal with for as long as we both live.  Life after cancer is never, ever the same.  It is the only thing certain most find in fighting the illness.  Expectations and goals all must be redefined.  Hopes you had also must be redefined.  All of this takes time.  For me, every second of this needed time has been difficult.

My wife would tell you, I can be a bit of a "worry wort".  It was something playful and easy to pick at before cancer, after the diagnosis, though, it is something that tends to drive my wife bonkers.  No matter how softly I deliver my concerns, it rubs her the wrong way.  It has made trying to get our life back in order a nightmare.  I think for me, it was easier when things were moving so fast that I couldn't keep up.  At that time, people around me gave me break and I felt support from all around...but now, it is just us again and things are not what they should be.  I get little-to-no brakes anymore and since I am the only one who seems to worry in my house, I have to do so quietly while trying to also keep up with everything it takes for a household to survive.  It never stops.  It has not gotten any easier.  It has been the biggest challenge of my life.

I mention this on the blog for a few reasons.  For one, when I look back at all these posts, years from now, I want to remember and understand how we got where-ever it is we end up.  Another reason is because, when friends do not see me going out, playing music, or even returning a phone call, hopefully they will know that it is only because I am distracted by all my "must do's" and neglecting all of my "want-to-do's"...I am still quite overwhelmed, at times.  Last, but probably most important, when someone out there hits the internet to Google "Brain Cancer" for the first time, I want them to find my blog and know what we have gone through and that they are not alone.  Trust me, the blogs I found early on helped me more than any doctor ever did.