For a weekend that most spend traveling or packing up the car for a long weekend at the beach or where-ever, we managed to do much of nothing this holiday weekend. Little man went up to stay with his grandma and papa Saturday night, and though I was sure I would feel like going out, I just did not. Granted, a shoe-string budget does not leave much room for play-funds, even if I had a few extra bucks I wouldn't have used them.
What happened to us? To me? We just can not manage to have fun or really enjoy much of anything. I am so excited about our trip, but at the same time, I have reservations about if we can put the past 6 months behind us and really have a good time. I think the fact that I will not have to worry about the expenses during the trip will help. I feel bad putting gas in my car, knowing that our financial situation is on the brink of disaster, much less trying to justify "fun money". I have struggled with spending a dime on anything but a necessity...I just have to learn that holiday gifts, birthdays, really the things that help make-up a normal family life are a necessity.
Despite a couple gorgeous days, we rarely left the house this weekend. It is so hard for me to get motivated to do anything by myself. Though she needs to be up, getting out of the house, she is not remotely interested in doing anything these days. As much as I try, sleeping, eating, and smoking are all she does and all she cares to do. Nothing else seems to motivate her. She did respond slightly to my last post, getting up and milling around the house during the day time. Thing is, I just really miss my wife...they way she would smile, or burst into a mini-dance, the playfulness, the way she would get done-up to go out. I bet she has not smiled or laughed hard a handful of times since the tumor was found. Pardon my French, but the entire situation is just plain fucked up. I am pretty much at my wit's end on this...and from what I have read, I will just have to wait it out and try not to loose my mind in the process. I would attempt to get out of the house more, distract myself, or maybe get back to playing music, but finding the time will be damn near impossible.
Many people may think that now that the doctor has mentioned the "R" word, that all is well....that the worst is behind us. Though many tough times are behind us, many more lay ahead. For starters, we must find a way to rebuild our lives, our relationships, our finances....not to mention her trying to survive the after-affects of radiation, chemo, steroids, high-blood sugar, and weight-gain....and the cancer is still expected (by doctors) to eventually come back.
We watched a movie that hit close to home with us over the weekend - 50/50...it is a "must watch" comedy about dealing with cancer.
Little man had a blast this weekend. Monday, the pool opened at his grandma and papa's apartments, so he got to spend about 4 hours playing in it. Needless to say, he was worn out when he got home.