12/14/2012

The morning was again hectic and rough, but little man got to school on time...I got to work late, but I got there.

I am not OK today...nothing anyone or anything to can do about it...I am just not having a good day with things.  There are so many things I need to do...then the things I want to do....oh, and then the things I have to do...not to mention the things I SHOULD be able to make time for....and it is all just too much today.  I am glad tomorrow is Saturday, though it is destine to be full of brain cancer talk, pills, meds, and more worry.  Things were tense this morning, as I hurried to get ready for work, get little man ready, and get my wife her meds....I had to keep telling little man to get ready, getting louder each time....after he got ready, he stood by the back door as I finished stirring my coffee, and just started crying...I asked him "What's wrong buddy?" but knew, that my stress level and actions triggered it...he knew what I was feeling...he answered "I don't know!" in the most pitiful of all voices...I just held him and said "It's ok buddy, I love you."  This is going to be so hard on him, regardless of what I can do to shelter him.

My wife actually apologized last night to me...like she has any fault in this.  She has nothing, NOTHING, to apologize for....if anything, I should apologize for not being stronger sometimes....for not taking better advantage of each day we have spent together....for not taking her on the vacations she deserved....for not making enough money to stop worrying for just one day....I am the one who is sorry.

Staying positive, but ya know...gosh, it is all so much.  You want to think things will be just fine....hell, you NEED to think things will be fine, but how do you do that and plan for what could happen at the same time.  Plan for the worst, hope for the best...seems like cheating...bad Ju Ju if you are expecting a miracle.

When I started this blog, it was to have a place for friends and family to keep in touch with things...along with help me with my feelings.  What I have found is that some of what I feel is just not right to share with everyone...I do not want to offend anyone.  At first, friends "prayers and thoughts" seemed to help, somehow...now I just think of the hoards of prayers that go unanswered and it scares me to death.

With all the mounting bills...the the fact that so many plan on trying to help, it seems selfish for us to Christmas shop for each other....but I so badly want to get her a great present this year.  I mean, damn...look at all we are facing...she deserves something magical...not that I have tons of money...haha, just the opposite, but if I did, I should be able to do something special for her, right?  See, I am an honest person...I do not expect handouts, nor am I good at asking for help.  For me to ask for help, I feel that I should have exhausted all my resources before taking others resources...and that conflicts with what I should be able to do, which is make sure this is the best damn Christmas she has ever had, regardless of this tumor BS.  Hell, besides that, I am still scared to spend money, knowing at some point we will be way over our heads.  I suppose I will try to get a better grasp on those things this weekend...as I try to pay some things off with what money we have left.

I miss what we had, though....before all this, we did not have much....we did not go out a lot, party, socialize, or have a lot of money....even still, I miss that already.  Things seem so different now...so much more thinking, stress, and fear...it is hard to focus or enjoy anything.  I think a nice movie night tonight may be just the ticket, though...cuddled up with the family.  So much about this is unfair...and frankly, I can not believe any God in any heaven would do this to any loving family, much less us.