12/25/2012

Merry Christmas!  Little man had a great day!  I, on the other hand, truly struggled to enjoy my day.  Just not the same with out her healthy and home.  I did visit her twice today, both times delivering food and a large dose of love.  Not sure it was enough to perk her up any today....the swelling seemed worse and she seemed more tired that previously.  Hard to rest in any hospital...even harder on steroids.

I ran down to check her old room for her phone charger.  A nice guy coming out of the elevator asked, "Having a nice Christmas?"  Not sure what possesses a person in a hospital, for what can almost certainly be bad reasons, to ask a seeming stupid question.  I answered him, "I would be lying if I told you it was anywhere near good", as I walked on by.

Tomorrow, I go back to work.  I know it is what I need to do...get back to normal...but I am no where near normal right now.  I can not explain all I feel, nor does any aspect of my day seem as routine as it was just a few weeks ago.  Part of you just wants to be there for your wife, in every way....and sure, that includes financially...but it tears at me to spend time doing anything but spending it with her...I mean, the whole "what if" ya know.  This entire event is like the my worst nightmare come to life and I can never wake up....life will never be what it was.  It is a hard pill to swallow.  I can handle having bad credit....making some bad decisions in life...but to have your life under attack by something completely random and out of your control....really, it's totally fucked up....just no nice way to put it.  Like all things, we have to keep doing...roll with the punches and live best you can.

Thanks to any and all that helped with Christmas.  We utilized gift cards to buy little mans Christmas...and he had a good one.  I think I will know better this week where we stand financially...and plan on forecasting just how long we can stay afloat...not fun...not going to be very pretty.  This recent set back from surgery aims to cost us over $1,000.00 and her suggested treatment involves using one of the most expensive chemo medicines available...but I would trade any penny I have and will ever make for her back healthy and home.  So many people have helped....and really, have made a great difference....allowed us to have Christmas, some what, and make it through a crazy few weeks.  So thankful, and trust, I will get some thank you notes out as soon as I can find the time.